Amazing Spider-Man: Worst Movie of 2012

It would have been so much better if they’d cast this guy.


At some point in 2012 I was sitting on a tour bus travelling down a western-US highway. Wife and I had been travelling for four weeks straight and, motivated by the thought that we might never make it back to this part of the world, we’d fallen into the trap of trying to experience everything in one go. Our days had been crammed full of impossibly long lines, confusing public transport maps, overzealous airport security guards and a f***ton of walking. Three weeks into our trip we were exhausted. And that’s before we joined the Contiki bus tour – at which point the word “exhausted” became been totally insufficient in describing our state of mind and body.

Three of these people died of mega-exhaustion moments after this photo was taken.

Credit: Things Bogans Like

Not only was the pace was stepped up another five notches, it seemed like we were suddenly expected to be awake 24/7, and all while being constantly bombarded by the kind of loud, obnoxious party music that makes me want to shoot things in the face at the best of times.

“I’m so sorry Mittens, but you knew you were playing with fire when you put on that LMFAO song.”

Alas, as I was being forced to listen to Rack City, Bitch for the third time that morning, the music was brought to a merciful halt and I was able to breathe a sigh of relief. Our tour guide then put the new Spider-Man film on the bus TV, which made me a little excited as I’d been meaning to watch it for a while. It was sure to get me out of my foul mood, and then I’d be primed and ready to sight-see the hell out of the Grand Canyon or wherever it was we were going next.

Except I couldn’t help but notice that the movie sucked.

Okay, so maybe that was more a reflection of my mood at the time rather than the quality of the film, and it was a dodgy pirated copy on a tiny screen – not exactly optimal conditions for enjoyment. So months later, I gave it a second chance and watched a good-looking copy in the comfort of my own home.

And again it sucked.

No caption necessary.

Credit: Miss Scorpio’s Photobucket

To be fair, it was a little better this time, but the suckiness levels (generally measured in Nickelback-equivalents per minute) were still too significant to ignore. Naturally this got me thinking about why I didn’t enjoy it and I decided it could be summed up in one word …unnecessary.

You see, I wasn’t impressed when I heard Hollywood would be rebooting the Spider-Man franchise. I understand that the film industry likes to stick with the safe bets – after all, they have bills to pay like everyone else. However, was everyone really so out of original ideas that they had to “reinvent” the red-suited arachnophile only ten years after he’d first hit our screens? I know that the sub-par Spider-Man 3 had put a nail in the coffin of the Sam Raimi Spider-Man franchise, but did its corpse need to be dug up, dressed in a different hat and presented to us again only five years later?

"Of course this isn't Bernie. Can't you see he's wearing a hat?"

“Of course this isn’t Bernie. Can’t you see he’s wearing a hat?”

As you can tell, I came into the movie with a little bit of hate in my heart but I swear to you, I was ready to forgive. I love it when a film impresses me against the odds so all I needed was one moment of “Wow! That was actually pretty cool” and I’d be singing its praises. All I needed was one instance where I felt like I was watching something significantly different to the Raimi films and I would have let bygones be bygones.

But that moment never came. Instead, it was just the old corpse in a new hat.

"Old Bern-, I mean Old Uncle Fred sure loves his hat!"

“Old Bern-, I mean Old Uncle Fred sure loves his hat!”

Sure there are plenty of tangible difference that can be pointed out between 2002’s Spider-Man and 2012’s The Amazing Spider-Man; the actors are different, the backstory of Peter’s parents is fleshed out more, the green bad guy is replaced by a different green bad guy and so on, but at no point did I ever really feel like I was watching something new – not in any meaningful way. And when we’ve only been given such a short break from Ol’ Spidey’s antics, that just isn’t good enough.

I don’t really even know what the film-makers game plan was when they when they were trying to make this stand out from the Raimi movies, but it seems like they were going for the “gritty reboot” thing. I mean look at the dark colours on those posters.

“With great power comes great gothic fashion sense.”

Well, director Mark Webb and company, guess what? When it comes to gritty reboots …

You’re Doing It Wrong

Credit: Sodahead

I mean, the Dark Knight trilogy had Batman break a man’s legs by throwing him off a building, X-Men: First Class had Magneto slowly drive a coin through a man’s skull and The Hills Have Eyes reboot had so much f***ed up stuff happen that you don’t even want to know about it. In comparison, Amazing Spider-Man had … a muted colour palette. That’s it. It’s like the film makers knew they wanted to make it dark but only understood how to do that in the most literal sense.

Exhibit A

Exhibit A

Look, I don’t think every superhero film needs to go for a pitch-black tone. I don’t want a future where movie studios try so hard to out-gritty each other that the most moral superheroes we’re left with are an organ-harvesting Green Lantern and sex criminal Superman, but I’m also not fond of doing things by halves. With all the black ink used on those posters couldn’t we at least have had a villain with a plan that was actually frightening, instead of the daft comic-book science idea of turning everyone into lizards?

Alternatively, perhaps they could have embraced a lighter mood, a more garish colour scheme, a more childish feel – something that could bring emotion and drama into a family movie without ruining its sense of fun. Something where the ill-explained pseudo-science would fit the tone of the film. Something that would have been far superior to the half-assed crap we ended up with.

Oh, except that was already done. Ten years ago.

“Take that, everyone that dissed me for producing Xena: Warrior Princess!”

I’d love to keep the discussion/argument going in the comments, so don’t be shy! Also, if you liked this, check out my Movie Picks for 2012 so you can balance out the bitching with some glowing praise.

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8 Responses to Amazing Spider-Man: Worst Movie of 2012

  1. Anonymous says:

    this was a terrible review of the film

  2. Anonymous says:

    I agree with you, very boring movie, the only amazing part was all of the coincidences of the character interactions. This was a movie that didn’t have to be made…

    • Yes, some ridiculous coincidences, but I’d concede that the earlier franchise had more. Still, I was more willing to accept the unbelievable with those earlier movies because, again, I felt like it suited the tone of the film … and because they were first, dammit!

  3. Jiggly says:

    I agree the movie sucked! However before I watched it i knew it was going to suck and hoped that it would prove me wrong and nope it failed sadly! The producers, directions and all those other people wasted their time making this movie!

  4. tj says:

    I think this is what spider man should have been instead of the earlier trilogy. The villain could have used a better plot, and it regurgitated some old scenes, but it did a much better job than the last two spidy films put together (I thought 3 was by far the worst I had ever seen.)

    If the only criticism you have was that it was a redo of a done plot (though that may be fairly valid) I think it was worth it and a good take because it washed out the bad taste left in my mouth by the last take.

    Just thought I’de put in my 2

    • Dont’ worry – criticism and alternative opinions are always welcomed (as long as they’re not too abusive or stupid). I’m glad you enjoyed the new film, but yeah it wasn’t for me. Still, I have some hope for the sequel. I guess I have other reasons for not liking it besides it being too familiar, but my posts are always a struggle between wanting to give detail and not wanting too blab on too much or sound like I’m nitpicking. A lot of the time I cut things really short because it’s too much of an effort to get all the confused thoughts out of my head onto the paper (screen?) in a way that’s actually entertaining and easy to read.

  5. Czerny says:

    It was the Un-Amazing Spider-Bland.
    Sorry, I have been a fan of Peter Parker for over 30 years and while I understand reboots like to try and find better ways to tie things together, the things done in this movie were just terrible.
    First was the lame bit about Peter’s parents and the spider research.
    Second was the Oscorp link to both his parents and his powers.
    Third dropping Dr Connors into Oscorp.
    Fourth was the snappy patter, it wasn’t snappy, it was pathetic sitcom grade humor.
    Fifth was the anti-climax, WTF is the big deal. the infection rate will be very low AND we already have a cure, so what’s the fuss?
    I wasn’t happy with the studio mucking up Spiderman 3 by demanding Venom but at least that was better than this steaming pile.

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