The HOTTEST Blog Post Ever (Part 1)

Today I didn’t know what to blog about. Luckily Start Blogging Online had 101 tips to make my blog so HOT it will burn another hole in the ozone layer.

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When will the Antarcticans learn? Their HOT blogs are causing havoc with that thing!

I didn’t know which one of the tips to use, so I figured it was safest to include all of them (well the first 50 for now).

HOT BLOGNESS HERE I COME!

 kjlkj

#1 Run a contest

First person to reply on this post gets a virtual egg. Do it. You know you want to.

#2 Review books/products/films

Birdemic is terrible. You should watch it now.

#3 Make comprehensive guide/tutorial

How to Make Toast: Put the bread in a toaster and push the thing down, you dummy.

#4 Interview someone

ME: So, do you like stuff?

WIFE: Shhh, MasterChef is on.

ME: Thank you for your time.

#5 Post a cool infographic

O

(The red portion represents the percentage of USA’s population that drive a hybrid. The white portion is everyone else. Standard error +/- 95%)

#6 Criticize a website/blog or a person

Donald Trump is not very good.

Tony Abbott is not very good.

Chad Kroeger is not very good.

Michael Mann is not very good.

Zack Synder is not very good.

Janet Albrechtsen is not very good.

… Damn I could have just done a whole post on this one.

#7 Make a post full of GIFs

I refuse to do this one. I know that it’s popular to make  “Goats I’d Fool around with” posts these days, but it’s just not my thing.

#8 Create a photo post

There you go. It’s now a photo post.

#9 Tell a personal secret

I once ate a piece of butter because I thought it was cheese.

#10 Write inspirational/motivational post with famous quotes

“When life sucks just remember that it’s okay because one day you’ll be dead anyway.” – Me.

#11 Share recent travel experiences

I rode my bike into the city today. I saw a swan.

#12 Host a giveaway

More prizes?! Ok, fine. Second commenter also gets a virtual egg.

#13 Write down a conspiracy theory

Theory: All conspiracy theorists are working together in a conspiracy to make themselves seem stupid and annoying, so that everyone else gets sick of them and sends them out into space, because that’s where they always wanted to live.

#14 Show log files of intense conversations

Person 1: You suck!

Person 2: No, you do!

Person 1: Woah this is getting intense.

Person 2: True. Maybe we should stop before things get out of hand.

Person 1: Good suggestion. Want some virtual egg?

#15 Write a short story

For Sale. Baby shoes. Never worn because some idiot bought us the wrong sized baby shoes for our perfectly healthy baby.

#16 Sing a song

Done that one.

#17 Create a list of something

Here’s a list of the keys I hit when I mash my palm against the keyboard  nbvbnmnbnjcbgnkj,mnmn

#18 Write down all the thoughts you had in mind today

Oh I’m awake.

*Censored*

Good night.

#19 Share your goals/dreams publicly

I want to finish this blog post. It’s taking a long time. I don’t know if I’ll ever achieve my goal.

#20 Make a link carnival and ask others to join

A what now? Well okay, here’s a link. Join in. Is it a carnival yet?

#21 Announce that you’ve turned the comments into “do-follow” so you can get more comments

I don’t get this one either. But hey it just says I have to announce it, not follow through with it. So …

I have turned the comments into a do-follow!

#22 Build your to-do list

To do: Finish this shit. Go to bed.

#23 Write a post in response to some recent post/news

The gay marriage Supreme Court decision in USA was pretty great. No joke here.

#24 Make a full case study about something

Hypothesis: These tips will make this a HOT blog. Stay tuned to find out whether it worked.

#25 Share your favorite blogs/bloggers in one post

Here’s a blog about cheese. That’s all you’re getting. Don’t be greedy.

#26 Invite your readers to submit guest posts

Yeah okay. They’d better be as good as that cheese guy’s posts.

#27 Publish the best comments that your blog has received throughout the history

I believe I’ve covered this.

#28 Share your blogs income + traffic numbers

Zero and pretty close to negligible.

#29 Tell a joke

Australia is in the safe hands of a brilliant leader.

#30 Bust a myth

MYTH: The Earth is hollow.

TRUTH: No it’s not, you idiots. Do really believe that? What the hell are you thinking? I mean, for f***’s sake, aren’t you embarrassed? I wouldn’t even be able to show my face among other conspiracy theorists if I believed that. Even the people that believe in Bigfoot must be shaking their heads in disbelief at you. Go take a long look at yourself. Come back when you’re ready to apologise.

#31 Produce or publish your art

==OO==

(An abstract portrait of Elton John)

#32 Publish a post about your success and epic failures

I once failed to interview Wife for this blog post.

#33 Ask your readers to tweet, like, and share the posts they like

Sure. Do it.

#34 Start a poll

Question: Can you ever be bothered answering poll questions?

Give your answers in the comments.

#35 Write a post about things you regret doing/not doing

I’m kind of regretting starting this post.

#36 Pose a rhetorical question in your blog post

How many roads must a man walk down before he admits that Bob Dylan wasn’t even that great?

#37 Post a picture that speaks more than thousand words

See the frog picture above. That tells the story of a tiny amphibian cowboy trying to find his way home in a hostile environment, and having a great time doing it!

#38 Publish some little or unknown facts

Did you know that 17% of facts are made up on the spot?

And 28% of facts are ripped-off from Simpsons quotes?

#39 Publish an In Memorian post

I kind of wanted to do this for Phillip Seymour Hoffman but was too lazy. Oh well, I’ve done it now. That was easy!

#40 Bring out the most important dates in history

This date once successfully defended a kitchen from a whole platoon of enemy prunes.

#41 Tell about your latest event experiences

I went to a Jazz Festival. I saw a swan.

#42 Publish your CV online

Well, it’s not really mine, but I think this is quite a nice looking check valve.

#43 Post an obvious lie

Start Blogging Online’s advice for this one …

“You can turn things upside down when you tell an obvious lie inside your blog post. People might get mad at you, but that doesn’t matter.”

Wait, so lying about things to purposely get attention and piss people off doesn’t matter?

Okay, I’ll take their advice … no it doesn’t matter.

#44 Write where you’d like to travel

To the centre of our Hollow Earth.

#45 Blog about marketing secrets

Keep all your money under your bed. Depreciation can’t get to it there.

#46 Write about the most important lessons you’ve learned in your life

Trust me – money under the bed.

#47 Tell your readers what they should do to succeed

Write better blog posts than this one. Watch Birdemic.

#48 Do a video post about your day

Okay.

#49 Show off your personal stuff; car(s), house, accessories

I was kidding. This really is my check valve.

#50 Build a list

What? Again? I’m sure we did this before. Well anyway … kalsjdhfkadjsfadskfpafdsh

lkj

Well, that’s done. Now to wait for the hotness to flow … See you next month when I’ll be the world’s HOTTEST blogger!

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11 Responses to The HOTTEST Blog Post Ever (Part 1)

  1. Virtual egg here I come!

  2. Hell, I want BOTH virtual eggs…

  3. 36views says:

    Bookmarked this for future reference, some great tips and inspiration…watch out, it might go viral. 🙂

  4. Haha. I enjoyed the money under the bed/depreciation joke. But did they really recommend #43 seriously? jesus…

    Oh, and as the second commenter I would like my virtual egg please. 😀

    • Yeah #43 is real. No wonder there’s so much misleading BS around on the interwebs! I don’t really understand what they mean with that one – I guess things like a satirical news piece could be a good obvious lie. But it seems more like “just say anything to get people’s attention and don’t worry about any damage it might cause”.

      And you’ll see that you were only the 3rd commenter. I was just slow to approve. So sorry … I know how much you wanted that virtual egg 😦

  5. “Donald Trump is not very good” … written in July 2015 just after he’d announced he was running for President.

    Feels mildly prophetic somehow.

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